i am my dad’s daughter

It has been quite a while since I have put my thoughts into writing. Of course, I wanted to write a novel in the style of Mitch Albom and Amy Tan, a book about life and how it is lived by ordinary people living extraordinary lives in their own ways. Years back, I dreamed of writing stories as a way to escape – where I can revise my life and be someone else somewhere else. In my imagination, I could change everything: myself, my life, my past. But the mere idea frightens me because it is as if by imagination alone I am condemning what I do not like about myself or others that have made a significant impact in my life. I suppose writing what you wish for is the most dangerous form of wishful thinking. And I still think it is.

In the midst of all the crazy things that continue to happen in my life, I suppose people are wondering how I manage to stay intact with my sanity. Is it courage, or is it because I finally have no choice but to stay strong hence everything else will falter?  Maybe both happen to be true. But sometimes the truth lies deeper than what is meant to be seen by the eyes. I appear composed, but there are a lot of things going on in my mind. Maybe one of these days I will put a “Fragile” sign up there because it grows sensitive to every bit of stress-related event happening to me that seems to be never ending. I came to realize that life is one big compromise. That you don’t get what you want no matter how smart you are, how hard you work, or how good you are. Life as blissful as a flowing river is but a myth. Everyone else is hanging on the best way he can. And with that I stay strong and courageous because I know it isn’t just me. I am but a representation of a multitude of those who suffer in a different way. Maybe being pessimistic about life has made me stronger and able to cope. I stopped thinking about life as sweet when the rain started pouring nonstop for me. I was disillusioned so I have to find a way to see things in a different perspective – to not put my life against a backdrop that’s pure pastel. From there, I gain whatever is needed to stand up and face it all, even if deep inside I am aching and hurting.

When my dad passed away last January 8, 2010, I thought life stopped for me and my family. Not literally, but in a surreal way, yes. The night he had a stroke seemed like eons away even if it was just 11 days before he finally exhaled his last breath. No Happy New Year for us because he was there at St. Luke’s Cardiovascular Care Unit, fighting for his life, while everyone else was greeting the coming of 2010. I couldn’t think of anything good to start with this year because all I was thinking was, “Lord, bring us back our Dad.” I had to spend the New Year away from my husband and kids, which added more to the burden that is already tormenting me.

I missed my Dad so much. This is the first Father’s Day that I have no Dad to greet; no Dad to say “I love you” to. And again they say that things happen for a reason. During the first night of my Dad’s death, I couldn’t think of any reason why a good and loving father should be taken away from his love ones so abruptly. I was trying to relive the dinner my husband and I had with Dad and my family on the 20^th of December 2009. It was my parents’ 34^th wedding anniversary. He looked ok. He never showed signs of having an impending stroke. Everything looked normal, which makes me think harder on why he had to have that stroke on the 27^th of December, 2 days after Christmas. But I have later come to accept that maybe it was better left unquestioned; that whatever happened must have been part of the Great Chain of Being that God has in stored for us. But still, I miss my Dad. He would no longer be there to see me graduate from my masters; too bad, because he has always been the most eager person to see me upstage during graduation day. And he won’t be there to walk me down the aisle when the time comes for my church wedding. But still, I suffice myself with not asking God the so many why’s in my mind because I know that He knows all the things that I do not and can not know.